I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
