Please, let me fuck your mom
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
