Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize