My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize