Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
