Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
