had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
