can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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