I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
