Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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