Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize