Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
