My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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