She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize