At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
