How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
