we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
