guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just found puke in my bra..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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