tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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