Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
