I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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