never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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