you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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