Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
