I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
