based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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