my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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