Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize