Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
