I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
