There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
