Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
