Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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