I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
