He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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