i don't like sucking hair
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
