go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
