did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Come on in and take your pants off
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