Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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