the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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