I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
