I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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