Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
