so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
