I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
