how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I deserve this hangover.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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