Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
