You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
