I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
