Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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