You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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