can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Betty ford says i'm here all night
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
