saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
