He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
