3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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