Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
