thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
