my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
