just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
