respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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